


Clip my wings, but let them go

by ChicaBae



Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Booker Whump, Families of Choice, Family Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:33:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25624435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChicaBae/pseuds/ChicaBae
Summary: Post Movie: Booker is approached by a newly freed Quynh focused on revenge for 500 years of abandonment. Her last string of sanity snaps when he refuses her offer of shared revenge, but Quynh still needs the information he has about the others and will get it out of him no matter what.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 20
Kudos: 289





	1. The woman of his dreams

The water is cold, always freezing, paralyzing in its eternity. The feeling of drowning, dying and reviving every two minutes. Underlying the panic and death is a rage forged by spite and insanity. Screaming into the fathoms in grief,  _ Why did you leave me? _ in anger,  _ You told me you loved me! _ in malice,  _ You will suffer as I have suffered! _

Booker gasps awake from the same dream he has had since he began his immortal life. The intensity in nightmares of drowning over 200 years never dull no matter how much he drinks. And now drinking is all that he has. Exiled from his acquaintances,  _ his family _ his mind whispers, all he has is his booze and Quynh’s suffering. Even though he has never met this woman, feels a camaraderie borne from shared agony. 

Stumbling through to his broken-down apartment, his front door is open.  _ Who found me? How?  _ Taking his gun from the back of his pants, he creeps into his apartment at the ready. A figure is in his kitchen, an elegant woman in red. He lowers his gun in shock.  _ Quynh.  _

“Hello, Booker. It’s nice to meet you”, she speaks in a soft but steely voice. “I’ve been dreaming about you for a long time.”

Booker keeps his gun in his hand, ready to defend from anything. “Why are you here? If you know what I’ve done, why aren’t you with Andy?”, looking into her eyes he could tell something was...off. Her eyes showed a harsh glint of a warrior layered over a gleam of unstable sanity. She was close to snapping, or already did, from her 500-year imprisonment.

At the mention of Andy, Quynh’s face cycled through the stages of grief and settled on an angry neutral expression. “Andromache left me for dead in an iron coffin. She stopped looking for me. Why would I ever go back to her?” she ended in a deadly whisper. “I saw through your eyes that her life continued without me, she is fine. But then she left you as she left me, I knew I had to find you.” Booker clenched his gun tighter.  _ Why? Why did Quynh want him?  _ He voiced his thoughts and got a chuckle in response. “We’re the outcasts! They abandoned us! I would have thought you would want some form of revenge, even some petty payback.” Quynh exclaimed. “I want you by my side making sure they know to  _ never _ abandon us again.” She leaned forward, the glint in her eye becoming more manic. 

Booker took a half step backward. She wants to hurt them in ways he can’t even imagine. “No, I won’t help you. They are my family! I fucked up, I know I did,” Booker spoke, “But I am not going to hurt them anymore.”

Quynh’s eyes narrowed and she stepped back. “I had hoped you would make it easier by joining me. We would have made a great team,” she says almost mournfully. “But I still need information only you know, so I guess you’re still coming with me” Booker raised his gun to take aim, then everything went black.


	2. Silence is golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into what being a "guest" of Quynh's looks like.

It's been a month, he thinks, maybe more, since Quynh took him. Time blurs together between their sessions together. Within the first week, he told her about Andy’s newfound mortality and she has been taking out on him ever since. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Booker’s head cracked backward from the force of her hit. She had somehow found a solid wooden bat and was using his head as batting practice as he was tied to a chair. He could feel his nose pop back into place and his vision clear from burst corneas. Quynh looked at him with a snarl on her face. 

“Tell me where they are,” she growled. Booker laughed until he choked on his own blood. She approached him and tilted his head to meet her eyes. “Where is Andromache?” she commanded. Booker wrenched his head out of her hand and spit blood at her feet.

“I don’t understand why you’d want her if you already know,” Booker spoke with a listless tone. Quynh cocked her head to the side, eyeing him up.

“Know what?” 

Oh. _Oh._ _She doesn’t know, she hasn't dreamt of it,_ he thought. _What the hell, why not._ “Andromache is human again, mortal and all.” He met her gaze with a half-smirk that pulled at the dried blood on his face. He thought back to how he shot Andy at Copley’s house, the panic and instant regret reliving in his chest as he thought of the memory. His smirk turned into a grimace. Quynh’s face became a mask of fury and she picked up her bat again. 

“No! No! That’s not fair! She’s supposed to suffer like I have, not take the easy way out!” She hissed, pacing in front of Booker. She stopped suddenly and turned to him. “That just means I’ll have to take it out on you,  _ dear Sebastien _ , and when I get tired of you, I’ll find Yusuf, then Nicolo, and then the new one, Nile, right?” Booker pulled against his restraints, trying to break free, to stop her. But he was weak from dying and rebuilding his body. Quynh pulled back and let loose a swing that caused him to see black.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All of the ways she wants to put her rage out on Andy is now his punishment. They had changed scenery, Booker noticed, to a warehouse of some kind. Her punishments were clever at times, like her use of salt and whips, or just waterboarding with tainted water. Other times she found creative ways to use knives when he was stretched and chained to a table. And she wasn’t the only one to visit him. Men in tactical gear would enter at random intervals to relieve some violent stress either through their fists, or one time a more creative goon brought a crowbar. 

Booker tried not to kid himself, they aren’t coming for him. Why would they? He hurt them in a way that betrayed over 200 years of trust. Now, he sat tied to his chair and silent. He would never hurt his family more than he has. Booker has bitten his tongue off more times than he can count during his captivity to stop himself from screaming out or mumbling while unconscious. His silence will be his last gift to them, no matter Quynh's techniques, her screams, her demands. That was his current view: his severed tongue at his feet, Quynh stringing him up by his wrists to the ceiling, and choking on blood. As he was hoisted up, he could feel himself slip away.

If only he stayed awake a moment longer, he would have heard the sound of gunshots and grenades.


	3. How the other side lives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dreams are changing. For the better?

Nile’s introduction to immortality was a crash course on what not to do. Booker became the main example of how not to live. From her own experience with him and stories from the others, he was miserable after the death of his family. They don’t know the specifics of his family, but every ten years or so they sent him an address to find them at. One day, they walked into the safehouse, and Booker, Sebastien at the time, was passed out on the couch with tear tracks of his face and a whiskey bottle in his hand. She could relate; she’s abandoning her mother and brother and letting them think she’s dead. Maybe she wouldn’t turn into Booker if she went back, but Andy doesn’t want to take that chance. 

It’s been a few weeks since Booker’s exile and the group has been laying low in a safehouse somewhere in Ireland. Andy is still healing from her injuries but promised to teach her more hand to hand combat aside for her basic military style. Nicky and Joe began to teach her various weapons and languages. It’s been a weird adjustment, accepting you don’t stay dead. The others tell her it fades with age, but she’s not so sure. To her knowledge, Andy has forgotten how old she is and Nicky and Joe are almost 1000. Booker would have been the only one who could connect with her, being only 200-ish. 

At least she could have talked to him about the dream.  _ God, the dreams.  _ She’s learned to muffle her cries when she wakes from them. Nile feels bad already from the dreams, she doesn’t want the guilt of waking the others.  _ But God, it’s so cold.  _ Seeing this woman drown over and over again is a special type of hell that Nile can’t process. One morning, she tries to bring up Quynh and her dreams. The only response she got was somber silence. 

“I’m sorry you have to see that Nile,” Joe whispered. “No one should have to dream it, let alone live through it.”

“Like Booker?” Nile asked. 

Nicky stood up and clasped her shoulder. “Booker never talked to us about his dreams, he tried to bury them under the grief from his family and was drowning himself. Hopefully, this space will help his headspace.” He then turned and walked into the other room.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nile shook her head. It’s been almost a year since she was taken in by the group and they’ve already integrated her into their everyday life, whether it’s grocery shopping or missions. It’s nice, being surrounded by people who care about her. She still brings up her dreams from time to time, just to not get overwhelmed. 

However, the last dream was shockingly different, literally. In her dream, she saw Quynh standing over a man tied to a chair looking over his shoulder into her soul. The room was covered in blood, chains and cuffs attached to the ceiling, and a table with restraints to the side. Quynh was holding jumper cables in her hands but kept looking at her,  _ God could she really see me?  _

Then Quynh spoke, “You know Sebastien, I’ve been free for over a decade and wondered how I could stop you from finding me through your dreams when I realized something. The dreams can be manipulated, forced through. By projecting my torture, I kept safe from your little group, I was able to build my strength and wipe out  _ everything,  _ starting with your family _.”  _ As she finished, she shoved the cables into Booker’s chest and he thrashed and screamed in pain. Quynh looked at Nile again and simply said, “Tell Andromache I say hello.” when she bolted awake with a sob on her lips.

She went around the house getting everyone awake and assembled around their table. They gazed at her blearily as she paced with tears in her eyes. Seeing this, Nicky stood and held her to his chest. She let out a sob as he rocked her in place. Nile stepped back when she was calm and turned to the table. 

“Quynh is out and is torturing Booker. She’s been manipulating our dreams to make it look like she was still down there but she out and she’s  _ crazy!  _ She’s going to destroy everything and is looking for us as a start.” Nile started pacing halfway through her news and kept looking at the floor to try and not tear up again. 

Andy spoke abruptly, “How long has she been out? What was she looking for specifically?”

Joe and Nicky looked at each other in silent communication, all eyebrows and lip quirks.

Nile kept pacing. “She looked right at me, in the dream. Like she knew I was watching. Quynh didn’t feel right like she was unhinged,” she whispered, “She told me to tell you ‘Hello’”. 

Joe spoke, “What was she doing to Booker?”

“It was a solid room; chains and a table and  _ blood _ . So much blood. She had jumper cables and was frying him. His hair was longer though, and matted. He might have been there a while. God, imagine being tortured that long.” Nile was tearing up by the end of her description that Nicky stood up and held her again.

He looked at Joe who nodded. “We’ll find him, bring him home. No one deserves that, even after what he did to us.”

Andy was sitting at the table looking lost. The love of her life was free and didn’t seek her out. She didn’t do enough to find Quynh. Her eyes glazed over through a cycle of guilt. 

“We’ll call Copley in the morning and get more info. For now, we rest a few more hours.” Nicky spoke as he led her to her room as Joe led Andy to hers.

Joe and Nicky fell back to their bed and gazed at each other. “We’ll find him and bring him home,” Joe promised.


	4. Bonds of pain are still bonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some dreams have a way of bringing people together.

In the morning, they gathered around Nile’s laptop and called Copley. He hasn’t checked in on Booker since making sure he was settled in his apartment, almost a year ago. When he checked in, Copley found that Booker hasn’t returned to his apartment at least in the last 6 months. The landlord complained about the mess that was left, but since Booker paid for the next 3 years in advance, he didn’t complain long. There was broken furniture, glass, and general disarray in the apartment, like a fight broke out but no one cared enough to check. 

Then came the research on Quynh’s resurfacing. Apparently, when she resurfaced she began to integrate herself in the illegal underground almost immediately. She didn’t hesitate in her ambition for more control, doing whatever it took to gain more power in more criminal enterprises. Her most prominent sightings were aftermaths of utter massacres at rival’s compounds. 

Andy looked lost at the thought of Quynh, passionate and dedicated Quynh, becoming the type of person they stop with any means necessary. Nicky and Joe got angry. This is not the woman they knew. Yes, Quynh is a warrior, but she wasn’t sadistic. This is a different Quynh, someone so broken after years of solitude, that they can’t take any chances on her spontaneously regaining her sanity. 

Nile was wary. She’s seen what this new Quynh is capable of. Quynh won’t hesitate to kill them all as many times as it takes to get her revenge. She thinks back to what Nicky said when she first met the group of immortals, ‘ _ That’s the reason why we dread capture. Spend eternity in a cage _ ’. Suddenly there was a pit in her stomach. Booker has been with her for at least 6 months, tortured and dying. Her resolve hardened, they were getting Booker back,  _ no matter what _ .

Copley was able to create a list of known locations of her organization’s operations, but they were spread across Europe, the Middle East, and Asia that it’ll take time to eliminate the possibilities or go through themselves. With Andy mortal, they may not have that option. Hopefully, Nile’s next dream will be more helpful.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Her next dream was almost as bad as the first. This time Booker was strapped to the table and resembled a pincushion more than a human. Throughout his torso, legs, and arms anything with a point was shoved in. Bookers eyes bulged as Quynh would push a knife back in as his body tried to heal. 

“I’m getting tired of your silence Sebastien. Can’t you see, they don’t care about you. They. Aren’t.  _ Coming. _ ” Quynh hissed into his ear.

Booker’s body was shaking in pain but he gathered his strength, “I know. I know they aren’t coming. But I would rather die for the rest of my exile than tell you  _ anything _ .” Booker’s jaw juts out and he coughed up some blood. Turning his head as far as he could, he spat a glob of blood and hit Quynh in the face. Booker chuckled before choking on his own blood. Quynh was enraged.  _ How dare this  _ worm _ defy her.  _

“Wait, wait. I can tell you one thing.” Nile held her breath.  _ Was Booker really going to sell them out?  _ Quynh leaned closer to Booker to hear whatever secrets he’d give up. There was tearing noise and a solid mass was spit from Booker’s mouth at Quynh. It was his tongue! He had bitten his own tongue off just to prove a point!

Quynh took a knife out of Booker’s body and started to hack at his face and neck, anywhere she could reach to cause him pain. Nile looked away and tried to observe the room. The door was closed and there were no windows. Quynh finished her rage killing and Booker was lying on the table dead. In the total silence, Nile could hear noise outside. Boat horns and gull-birds were prominent, as well as church bells. She gave one last look at Booker, gasping to life, still a pincushion for Quynh’s blade collection, and felt herself wake up.

Nile rolled over and barfed in the wastebasket next to her bed. Across the room, Andy woke from her bed and rose to get her some water. She could hear her wake Nicky and Joe as well. They would want to hear what happened. Gathering around the table, Nile recounted her dream with as much detail as she could.

Nicky perked up at the mention of noises and stood to go write it down to ask Copley later. Joe looked down at his hands. “He really did that? He would rather die for 100 years than hurt us again?” 

Nicky stood behind Joe’s chair, put his hands on his shoulders, and squeezed in reassurance. “Booker has been hurt by many people in his life. When he was finally the one doing the hurting, he obviously regrets it. We may not have helped matters, but Booker is our little brother,” Nicky sits down again. 

Andy nods in agreement, “Family argues and hurts, but they don’t stay mad. I didn’t agree with 100 years in the first place because I wouldn’t have seen him again, but you are the ones that have to be there for him when I’m gone” 

“No man left behind,” Nile promises. “We’re getting him back, and he’s staying. I’d like to have a full family while I can.” Side eyeing Andy, Nile says, “I go first this time.” Andy reluctantly nods after seeing the conviction in Nile’s eyes.

“We’ll call Copley in the morning and track him down. It’s about time we had a family reunion”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They emailed Copley the details Nile dreamed about and within an hour received an email containing coordinates and a location: Elba Island, Tuscany. 


	5. Family reunions aren't worth the trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They say experience builds character, but these kinds of experiences tear it down

“It’s time to wake up Sebastien.  _ Wake up! _ ” 

Booker jolted awake, swinging from his arms, attached by chains to the ceiling. He flicked his wrists, trying to find any sort of weakness in the shackles. From behind, a hand pushes his back so now he’s swinging slowly. Booker heard a chuckle as he swung and Quynh moved into his periphery.

Quynh sneered at him, “You lied to me, Sebastien. But I can forgive this, if only because you gave me Andromache in the end.” Booker stiffened in shock. Listening closely, he could hear the explosions outside of the room. Someone was here,  _ they _ were here.  _ No. NO! This wasn’t supposed to happen!  _ He struggled against the chains and growled at Quynh

“If you hurt them in any way, I will make you wish you had eternity in your coffin.”

Quynh strolled in front of Booker and leaned close, “Tough talk for someone who doesn’t have the will to live.” Faster than he could see, she put a knife in the center of his chest. Booker gasped at the pain. She didn’t hit his heart, she wants him to see this. He couldn’t look away, staring at the knife in his chest. He could hear Quynh to his right, humming a tune to herself and turned to face the door.  _ The door. His family. They were here!  _ The noise outside the room was lower but not gone.

“Leave! It’s not worth it,” Booker tried to yell, but the knife in his chest wouldn’t let him. He ended up coughing blood rather than speaking. By now, the noise has now completely stopped and Quynh actually looked excited. She turned to him and shoved the knife a little lower from before. Booker groaned in pain, she didn’t take her hand off the knife. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the final room they needed to search. It was on the second floor of the abandoned hotel Copley gave them the address. Meeting in front of the door, Nile and Andy on one side, Nicky on the other, and Joe keeping watch in the hallway. Nile held up her hand to Nicky,

3

2

1

Filing in, the room was worse than her dreams. There was still blood on the table and covering almost all of the floor. Booker was strung up from the ceiling like meat, coughing, and shaking. Quynh was smiling with a manic look in her eye, her hand wrapped around a knife stabbed into Booker. 

“I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time Andromache. Having Sebastian to play with,” Booker flinched at his name. " is just icing on the cake.” Quynh tightened her grip on the knife.

Before Nile could react, Quynh takes the knife in both hands and drags it down Booker's body, opening him from chest to his waist. His screams and Quynh’s laughter filled the room as everyone stared in shock. Nicky recovered from his shock first and shot Quynh in the head. When she was down, he rushed over to Booker and started to undo his chains. 

Andy recovered next and called out, “Joe, we need you!” He entered the room and sucked in a breath at the scene. He pushed Nile out of the room, letting her get some air away from the horrific scene. She could hear their hushed voices and movement from the hallway when she heard a chain fall to the ground, she raised her gun and prepared to lead her team out.

Turning, she could see Booker slung between Nicky and Joe, body now wrapped in Nicky’s hoodie, probably the only thing holding his innards together while he heals. Looking to Andy, her head shook slowly, in a daze still.  _ We’re not bringing Quynh.  _ Nile keeps her gun up as she leads the way out to their evac vehicle, Booker laid out in the backseat over Nile and Nicky’s laps while Andy drives to their closest safe house. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Booker jerked awake and started groaning in pain. His body felt like it was torn open.  _ Because it was.  _ He felt hands grabbing him, holding him down, and he struggled more.

“Please Book, stay still. You need to heal more.” That voice. Nicky! Booker opens his eyes, tears building from the pain. Nicky could help him, stop the pain somehow.

“Please,” he whispered, hiccuping a sob, “please make it stop.”

“Oh Book, I’m so sorry,” a second voice whispered to him. Nile has him, she could help.

“Please don’t make me be here for this.” Booker felt cold metal on his throat and tilted back for easier access. He can’t feel his body sew itself together if he’s dead. The dagger sunk in his neck and he fell back to the darkness. 


	6. My mind becomes the enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little sisters can take care of their older brothers from time to time

The first sensation he feels when he wakes up is warmth. Which is wrong, The Room is cold, almost freezing some days. Opening his eyes, Booker could see a new room, a real bed with blankets and pillows, a door in the far corner, a dresser to his left, and a window letting in light. This isn’t right, it’s too nice, this has to be a trick. Where’s Quynh? Where is she hiding with the next “bonding session”? 

Sliding out of the bed, Booker crawled to the corner diagonal from the door, brought his knees to his chest, and watched the door.  _ She must know I’m awake, she’ll come in any minute and find me. Why am I in this room? Who put me here? Oh God, they came and Quynh knew! Where is everyone, I’ve killedthemohmygodtheycametogetmeI’vekilledthemit’sallmyfault- _

A hand touched his knee and Booker flinched back. Tears obscured his vision. The hand is stroking his head and flinching again, he looks up.

“-orried there for awhile. I thought I would have to take the frying pan away from Andy and hit her with it. She actually burned a little of the food, but not all,” Nile’s voice was soothing and mundane. Booker leaned into her hand and looked at her face. Nile leaned in and wiped the tears from his face gently, “Breath with me Book: in for 4, out for 6.” Keeping his eyes on Nile, he tried to match her breathing with his own stutters. After repeating the cycle, Nile leaned forward and touched their foreheads together. “I’m here Book, I’m alive and I’m okay.”

“How do you know all this?” Booker murmured, leaning into the contact. It was the first human interaction he’s had in almost a year without pain. 

Nile stayed silent, thinking about her next words. “When my dad died, I would get panic attacks at school, and eventually, the child therapist my mom sent me and my brother to helped me. I still use controlled breathing when I’m overwhelmed.” She continued to rub his head and Booker relaxed further, breathing became easier and his tears stopped.

“I’m so sorry Book,” Nile whispered. “I should have dreamt it sooner, fought for you harder.” She kept stroking his head until he calmed more. “You know, we could probably cut your hair if you want. I’m 90% sure that there’s still brain in this mess.”

Booker laughed quietly. He probably looked like shit after what happened. “Is there a bathroom?” he asked. Nile nodded and nodded her head to the other side of the room, an en suite bathroom. “Can you…” Booker trailed off, now knowing how to ask for this.

Nile smiled and nodded. They stood and she helped him walk to the bathroom. Avoiding the mirrors, the edge of the tub was wide enough for Booker to sit down. Nile found a pair of scissors and an electric trimmer in the cabinets and went to work. She began by cutting out the biggest sections of clumps. Seeing the hair fall to the floor, Booker thought about what happened, what he just escaped.

Nile saw his gaze unfocus halfway through buzzing his head and began to talk out loud. She talked about the languages she was learning and how she was checking in on her family, stories from her childhood until she saw Booker return to himself and acknowledge some of her stories. He could feel the air on his scalp and felt naked. Nile handed him a washcloth, “We tried to clean you before putting you in bed, but I’m sure you want to double-check. Joe’s clothes were the only ones that would fit you.”

_ I guess looking in the mirror was inevitable _ . Booker shuffled forward and flinched almost immediately. He knew being immortal would save him from death, but it also took energy he didn’t get while being tortured. The bald man in the mirror stared at him with hollow cheeks and scared eyes. Nile took the washcloth from his slack hands and started to wipe the dried blood specks on his neck and face. When she was finished, Booker was still staring at himself in the mirror. 

“C’mon, you can sleep some more before dinner tonight,” Nile took his hands and slowly stood. Booker took shakey steps toward the bed and sat at the edge. He tightened his hands when she tried to pull away.

“Can you stay with me? Please?” He whispered. Nile smiled at him and crawled beside him and leaned against the headboard.

“I’ll keep watch, you catch some shut-eye.” Booker nodded, laid down and rested.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Booker became aware of murmuring voices and someone touching his arm. He flinched away and fell to the floor. The voice laughed behind him and he remembered where he was. A safe house with Nile and the others.  _ Fuck, I don’t want to face them. _ On the floor, Booker contemplated the odds of jumping out the window to leave this whole situation. 

  
“C’mon Book, if I have to sit through this dinner, so do you,” Nile slid off the bed and headed toward the door. Groaning, he stood and followed.

All conversation ended when he stepped out of the bedroom and three sets of eyes turned toward him. Turning to each of them, he looked them in the eye. Andy was stone-faced but her eyes held her emotions, always the eyes. She looked like she was crying, her eyes bloodshot. Nicky looked at him with distant regret. Booker knew he was the one to push for the century exile, and he couldn’t blame him, but the 200 years they spent together counted for something if Nicky still feels any sort of way towards him. Joe was a different story. He wore his heart on his sleeve and his emotions always ran hot, his eyes showed a loop of the different stages of grief. 

Booker sighed and slowly walked over to the table where the food had been laid out. Nile sat at his right and Andy to his left. Nicky and Joe sat across from him and occasionally shot glances at him. Nile started talking again and Booker was beginning to associate her voice with the calm feeling he was rediscovering. Dinner was still awkward, but at least Nile was distracting him from his thoughts. He continued to push around the food on his plate, only able to stomach about half. Andy leaned over to take his plate and he stifled a flinch at the movement in his periphery, but he could tell the others noticed. “Let’s get you back in bed Book, you need to rest,” Nile murmured. 

She stood and helped him walk back to the bedroom when he heard Nicky say behind him, “It’s good to see you again, Sebastien.”

Booker stopped in his tracks, jolting Nile. He turned around snarling, “Don’t you  _ ever _ call me that again.” He shook off NIle, went to the bedroom, and slammed the door.

Nicky was frozen in his place at the sheer hatred in that one sentence.

“What’s wrong with his name?” Joe asked.

Nile looked up from the floor, “That’s all Quynh would call him, his real name, ‘Her Sebastien’, her toy, her pet. His name became one of her weapons against him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants to leave the name behind forever now.”

“Fuck,” Nicky breathed out, eyes wide in horror in what he just did to Booker.


	7. Recovery isn't linear, neither is life

After slamming the door, Booker rushed to the corner of the room. Curling up, he tried to remember the controlled breathing Nile told him about. 

_ No Sebastien, you’ll never leave me.  _

_ Shut up Quynh! _

_ Our time together was so sweet, don’t you remember? _

He remembers the beatings, the stabbings, the waterboarding. He remembers it all. 

_ My Sebastien, after all our time together, I own you. Do you think they’ll welcome you back with open arms? No, you’re mine Sebastien, mind and body. _

Booker couldn’t remember what Nile told him, was it 5 seconds in and 7 seconds out? It didn’t matter, he couldn’t breathe, Quynh was here pushing the air out of his lungs. He could see her cruel smile as she dug her hand into his chest and  _ squeezed _ . Booker was frozen in his spot when he felt something grab his wrists. He pulled his hands back, digging at his chest, trying to get Quynh out. 

There was a noise, a voice?, surrounding him and he felt pressure on his head, calming and repetitive. He was being...pet? Booker focused on the petting, Quynh never gave him soft touches, just hits and wounds. 

“-I told him getting stung was a bad idea, but he wanted to do it. I mean, why would a seven-year-old want to get close to a jellyfish? I didn’t-” Nile was talking to him again. It sounded like her brother this time.

Booker looked at Quynh,  _ You’re not here _

_ No, but I’ll come back. Not even your family can stop that. _

_ As long as I have them, I don’t care. _

Quynh’s image faded and Booker slowly came back to his body. Nile was to his left, his head on her shoulder, and her hand threading through his hair. Nicky and Joe were in front of him, each of them pulling his hands from his chest. He relaxed his muscles and they brought his hands to their laps. They began to rub up his arm and down to his wrist trying to bring back circulation.  _ What were his arms doing? Did they get hurt again? _ Andy was nowhere to be seen but Booker could hear movement in the kitchen.  _ This is nice.  _ He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nicky opened his eyes and blinked in the sunlight. Last night was bad. He still remembered Booker’s cries for Quynh to stop. It was haunting. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and looked around the room. After Booker fell asleep against Nile, they moved him to the bed, Nile next to him again, Joe on his other side and Nicky on top of Joe. Andy opted for a cot next to the bed instead of joining them. Moving carefully, Nicky rose out of bed and headed toward the kitchen. Coffee and breakfast were the only plans he imagined any of them had for today. 

The coffee machine clicked on and he cracked open his first egg when Joe and Andy stumbled out of the room together. Andy sat at the table and stared at the grain while Joe came up behind Nicky and hugged him. Making breakfast like this wasn’t new, but the reality of yesterday was still sinking in. Andy was the first to speak, “There’s something you need to know, about Booker.”

Nicky and Joe turned around. What could Andy know that they don’t? They’ve known him just as long as her.

“In London, after the bar, at Copley’s. When you all were looking at the boards he told me something. He told me about the original deal with Merrick,” Hearing the name of their torturer made both of them cringe, “Booker was supposed to be the only one, but Merrick wanted more and Copley dug deeper into us. Found out that it was the whole group, not just Book.” Andy was still looking at the table. 

Nicky froze in place at this new information. Was it true? Booker didn’t sell them out? Joe detached from Nicky and stalked towards Andy. “Why didn’t you tell us?” Joe growled.

“I was gonna bring it up in a decade or two when you’ve calmed down. But now things have changed, and I don’t know if he’ll last the next year without the rest of us. He needs us, all of us, now. Not in a hundred years when I’m gone.” Andy finally looks up and locks eyes with Joe. He can see the weight of the last few days in her eyes and he reaches down to hold her. Andy clings to Joe and Nicky comes up behind her to grasp her. Sometimes they forget that their fearless leader needs support from time to time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! Sorry for the lateness, life got too crazy too fast.


	8. Like the tide, I return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A plan is made and a family heals

The new day brought new questions for the group. Where do they go now? What is the plan for Quynh? The only question on Booker’s mind is, “When do I leave?”. He knows he has 98-some-odd years left on his sentence. He’s only burdening the group if he stays. 

Rolling out of bed, Booker starts to look around the room for a bag and spare clothes Nicky and Joe won’t mind missing. Nile is still sleeping and the voices of the others are floating in from the other room. Moving silently, Booker finishes packing and leaves the room. In the kitchen, Nicky and Andy were sitting at the table with a map between them while Joe had his back turned making eggs. All three heads turn towards him as he enters. The boys keep staring at his face with conflicted faces while Andy zeroes in on the bag over his shoulder.

“No,” she says simply, “No Book.”

Booker sighs, “That’s not how this works Andy. You and I both know I have time to go and no one will get better while I’m still here.”

Andy stood, “But what about you Book? I’m not letting you leave after all that!”

“And I can’t stay here, Andy,” His voice cracked, “It’s too much too soon, and I can’t handle it.”

“But you could stay. If you wanted.” Joe spoke, eyes wary. “We know the truth. About London” Booker shook his head, tears starting to form.

“Then you know why I can’t stay. What I caused is unforgivable and you never should have been targeted. Distance will help.” 

Booker starts walking toward the door when Nicky spoke, “How about a vacation?”

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In the end, it was decided that Booker, Andy, and Nile would go to one of their old safe houses in the Netherlands and renovate it so it’s livable. It is a simple enough task for them, but more importantly, therapeutic. Booker is able to spend time with Andy now that she is on the clock. Andy is able to help Booker with his trauma, getting him to talk about it at 2 am after a night terror. Nile is able to learn from both of them, either a new language or combat skills. Booker was hesitant to become her sparring partner, but the exercise proved beneficial to his physical and mental health, with Andy on the sidelines yelling tips for both fighters. 

This “vacation” ended up being 3 years long before Nicky and Joe called them to reunite. Reunion dinner was full of apologies, hugs, and a few tears. Dessert was had and drinks were brought to the living room where they squished onto the sofa and armchairs. Nicky and Joe looked surprised when Booker mentioned he only had water. “Gone sober” was the only explanation with a faraway look in his eye before Nile elbowed him in the side. When asked what they did during their downtime, Nicky leaned back, crossing his arms with a grin while Joe pushed forward with a gleam in his eye, “We went hunting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a few ideas for snippets, would anyone be interested?


End file.
